island_mama's Xanga

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:16:54 GMT

Wow.

I have a blog??

No kidding.

One would think if I had a blog that I used to love visiting I would actually stop by and play with it once in awhile.

But life tends to get in the way sometimes.

Yes. I am back in Nova Scotia. Who knows where to begin this long, long tale? It may end up being a five part series. But, we'll get 'er done.

We left off in Sidney, BC. Which was amazing.

But we have to back track a moment to my girl's night out send off party. Kim and Jeannie honored me with my first initial in shot glasses......

I suspect by the time the following photo was taken we had worked our way through all 9 letters of my name.......

I miss my pals.

BUT, back to Sidney.

Rick having his ass slapped by a wooden diver........

Me and my extra large ass walking the western beaches for the last time. *sniff sniff*

The Nova-Scotia-Bound twerps in a wicked tide pool outside our hotel room.

We didn't get to do all we wanted to do before we left. Didn't get to see Graham and Karen and their wonderful kids (my fault). So, there was a bit of sadness.

But this big bastard had me distracted.........

My plane. MY plane! By the time I had gotten to area where I had taken this picture I had been stripped of my cowboy boots, my bad ass rhinestone buckle, my purse had been emptied, Katie caused alarm with a shitload of keychains in her carry on bag, I had kissed my kitties goodbye at their particular door of doom......

I was freaking right the hell out. Remember, I had never been on a plane before. I was terrified.

But they serve very overpriced Merlot..........

So I could assume the *appearance* of calm and happy. $20 later, of course. And that was pretty much before lift off. Or departure.....or whatever they call that particular bit of "see ya later ground" nastiness.

Whose idea was this??????????

All I can say is, Lucas and I have the same take on life. Ground is good. Katie and Rick will try anything just for shits and giggles.

After close to eight hours I was safely (WOW!) back on the Earth in Moncton, New Brunswick. Where I was met by my awesome friend Amy (laden with balloons for the kids, a rose for me and a donair for Rick). I was deaf from the landing (for days!) and my sweet kitties were a freaking wreck. (more than three months later, they're still not right). Another friend spirited us off to our new home in Amherst, Nova Scotia.

And I think it's best to leave it right there for tonight. For I only have a small bottle of Merlot. And my time in Amherst wasn't exactly the homecoming I had longed for. I'm currently back in the very town I was born in! And I never, ever thought it would feel soooo good. Partly because I have to wonder now if this wasn't where I belonged all along and partly because it's amazing how many pieces one human heart can be broken into. (that'll be the Amherst story)

But I am HOME. I'm where I truly needed to be. I wonder how many people get to wander all over their country to "find themselves"? With kids??? The last 12 years of my life have been utterly amazing and so very fulfilling. Yes, heartbreaks occur, but I think my heart can take more knocks than average due to the multitude of beautiful people and places that have enriched it.

I can stand here on my native soil and say I'm one very lucky chick.

Nothing went as "planned" but I wouldn't change one damn thing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Wed, 28 May 2008 22:21:17 GMT

Just a little update....because I found a little computer room here at the hotel.

I'm in Sidney, BC at a boooootiful hotel. We have an ocean view room and have to patio doors open to the sounds of the seagulls. It's dreamy.

Rick surprised us this morning with a LIMO to leave town in! It was so darned cool! We drove slightly down island and took a small ferry 25 minutes across a lovely strait. The most impressive part was Lucas heading to the Captain's deck where the BC Ferries captain let Lucas pilot the ship for 3/4 of the trip! Talk about a treat! He "swerved" to avoid a seal. If the other passengers only knew that the boat was manned by a 10 year old.

I'm having the best day buying lavender, bakery treats and collecting pounds of pretty beach glass. Dinner with old friends and perhaps drinks with a few others then my ass is on that plane in the morning!

I'm so excited, content, blissed out I just don't know what to do with myself!

I don't remember the last time I was this happy!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Mon, 26 May 2008 23:39:05 GMT

Well, here we are.

Ready to leave British Columbia.

Perhaps not forever, but it will certainly be a long while before I see this place again.

And yes, I'm a bit sad. I have a long list of things I will miss. But, like Alberta, there are things I won't miss too. Right now, I'm just trying to stay focused on what is waiting for me in Nova Scotia. I will have time to sit and mull over this big, 5 year adventure in the weeks to come. I long to get to the point where it is nothing but good memories. That will feel nice.

I am so glad I ran away from home 5 years ago. This has been wonderful for my family......especially for me. I have learned how far I can and will go. Physically and mentally. Spiritually. Gastronomically. (Pacific salmon and blackberry port....how I shall miss thee!)

I face a highly expensive mound of luggage. I will face my first airplane adventure. I face cats under duress for two days. I face wound up kids who can't decide if they are happy or sad.

But I have stumbled my way through some tough shit in the Canadian West. I will survive the fleeing too.

Think of me as I watch my country pass under me from a bazillion feet in the air.

I'll be catching ya on the flip side, my amigos.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tue, 20 May 2008 03:29:35 GMT

Maybe this is wrong. Maybe it's cheesy, redneck-y, lame, cold, callous.....whatever.

But it is also my space and I can do just about whatever I please.

I wonder at what age you really see clearly into the minds of the terribly disturbed? When does it make sense and you find the fortitude to roll your eyes, overlook insanity and move on? When do you fully, 100% realize you are not limited by the wack jobs that brought you into this world? If, of course you are blessed with the pathetic gene donors I am blessed with. Which seems to be pretty rare in this world. Lucky me.

A very special person in my world is sick. Very sick. My heart hurts to think about her going to sleep scared tonight. Her husband is scared. Her son is scared. Her daughter in law is scared. Her whole world is scared. Cancer and chemotherapy. Horrid stuff. One of those monumental, unfathomable moments in my dear aunt's life. And I'm sad and worried.

She's so good. Kind, gentle, solid, hardworking, strong shouldered. A very, very good person. You never wish illness on someone but when someone like this gets sick, you wish it was anyone else. It doesn't seem fair. Something is so wrong in the world when a person like Shirley gets sick.

But, in a few short weeks I'll be able to see her . I can't do a damn thing to change what is happening to her. I can't make the cancer go away. I can't make the chemo sickness go away. All I can do is sit with her and tell her I love her. Make her laugh. I have no magic wand, only an intense interest in seeing her well. I will step lively if ever called upon by her or her family but any little gesture seems so weak.

I'm a little stressed about my dear aunt.

So why did my nasty mother have to come to the forefront of my world tonight?

Because the suffering of others gives her a perverse thrill. As best as I can figure anyway.

I was about to embark on a nice, online poker tournament. (I'm good at this shit.) Poker always distracts me from the woes of the world, if only for 20 minutes. I log onto Facebook, where I recently left a comment on the pages of my very ill aunt and her sister who broke the news to me. My heart is with these people. I am so sorry to hear of these new fears and worries.

And I have an "inbox" link that showed a message.

From my mother.

That said.........(and here's where it gets redneck-y because I'm copying and pasting my family bullshit directly from the source)

LEAVE MY FUCKIN FAMILY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She really did use that many exclamation marks.

And I paused. And I thought, "This is my family too. I have done nothing wrong by these people. Why can't I leave a simple, short message to offer my support and encouragement? Where in the hell does this crazed woman get off? "

And I got mad. (which is kinda dumb after all I have been through with them)

Even though I have gotten a few nasty messages from them of late.....stupid, asinine shit as a result of hearing the news that I am actually returning home....each of which I have ignored and actually mocked, privately, to myself.

I paused. I breathed. I collected myself. I thought, "Make it worth the money, honey" and I responded with...........

(ok....maybe this is redneck-y too but I no longer care)

For your information lady, they are my family too. Regardless of the fact that I will never again have anything to do with you, your husband or your son. Hate to have to be the one to educate you AGAIN. I can imagine how it is eating you alive to not be on the scene to wail and moan but directing your bullshit my way is highly unnecessary. And terribly inappropriate, considering the circumstances. But another person's illness always did bring out the worst in you.

If you cannot stand the fact that I actually DO have compassion for other people, unplug your computer and don't look. I will not play these silly, stupid games with you ever again.

However, I'm not the least bit surprised. In fact, I was expecting it. Waiting for it. And I will expect you to tell everyone what a monster I am and I could really care less. Do what you must to kill the time and stir up the drama. You lose in the end. You'll never see it that way, but everyone around you will. Someday you will be forced to reap what you have sown.

I cannot fathom having that kind of loathing for my own child. Knowing you're sitting there, relentlessly trying to dream up a reason to slander me and cut me down......it's sick, really. So disturbed.

I wait with bated breath for your next volley of nastiness. It provides such entertainment.

And I confess, it felt good. I have a long, long stream of my parent's hate mail stored in my email account.....just so I can always look back and remember why I will NEVAH give them a moment of my time or consideration. Yes, it's a kernel of evil that I should purge for the goodness of my own mind but I am nowhere ready to do that. I want to hold their miserable words so I can fling them back some fine day. At just the right moment. It's a bad side of me but I feel it's a most important side of me. I need to know that I have concrete proof that my parents really do hate me. I mean, I DO know it, but I need tangible, chewable PROOF.

Could have deleted it though. For my dear, dear "mother" sent me this in response to my message above.......................

I HATE YOU, YOU NEVER WERE NY DAUGHTER SO TAKE ALONG FUCK OFFFFFFFFFFF AND YOU DISGUTING WAY OF LIFE AND FAMILY WITH IT,,YOU DISGUSTE ME ,,I DIDNT WANT YOU TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE,,BUT HEY I GAVE IN ,MY FUCKIN MISTAKE I LEARNED YET AGAIN ....YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FUCKIN BITCH AND DONT YOU WORRY IF SOMEONE ASKES I WILL TELL THEM .DONT WORRY ABOUT THAT PART...YOU HATRFUL DISGUSING FUCKIN SLUT!!!

Even though I helped her and my father through their GED (high school equivalency) I claim NO responsibility for her appalling grammar and spelling. Terrible students.

But they really are able to express themselves when they feel the need. And I guess they felt the need tonight. (cause we can all rest assured my father is slurring support over her shoulder as she types in CAPS lock. I may take shit for saying THAT but I soooooo don't care anymore)

There it is. What more does anyone need? When I refuse to stand at the deathbed and listen to their plaintive pleas for forgiveness, who shall judge me? Who has the right? No child should have to endure this. No human. Nobody should have to feel the sting of hate from the very people that are supposed to love them beyond all reason. I know that I am by no means alone in feeling these feelings but tonight.....in the wake of my mother's hate.....I feel very alone.

No. That's not true. I have multitudes of people that love me. I am confident in that. My children adore me. My husband adores me. They adore me because I have proven myself to them. I am constant. I give them all that I can. I am there when they need me. As I was there when my "first" family needed me. When I drained my college bank account because my father got squished by a big tree. When I paid for the moving van to a home that did not include me. When I bought the food, smokes and coffee for my father when my mother left him. I have emptied my pockets and my heart for these people time and time again.

And you see the reward.

Typed by the hand of the woman who brought me into this world. Over nothing. Over absolutely nothing.

I am a better person. To me, evolution means "bettering the state of affairs from generations before". And I'm doing that. My children will never feel this way. My husband will have a constant support in his life. I am a good person. I have brought good people into this world. I'm ok.

And my Aunt will be ok too. I have full faith in that. She is strong and capable and if anyone can take this disease by the horns and shake it silly, it's Shirl. She's got the moxy. She's got the stuff.

And she's issue number one right now. Not my mother. Not my father. I know this. They need to realize what is important in life. They should direct their emotion where it can do the most good. But something is very, very wrong with them.

And they have crossed my last line tonight. I will not hide their pathetic natures. I will not indirectly condone their behavior by keeping these sorts of events to myself. Thinking that I am somehow being the better person by keeping quiet.

I feel purged.

My heart goes out to Shirley and her family tonight......in all it's many forms and variations. I wish I could be there to offer what little I have as so many others are doing.

I not want to distract from my family's most important focus tonight. I will not allow my personal issues to cloud an intense situation.

But I will not let my mother's flaws cloud the issue either.

And I won't return to Nova Scotia with that same chip on my shoulder. I'm coming home as the person I have grown into. A somewhat decent person.

Despite the influences of Dave and Joanne.

I wish my aunt Shirley as much sound sleep as she can possibly get.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Thu, 15 May 2008 23:09:09 GMT

The Rebirth of my Dancing Boots......

Guess what he did this time?

He snuck my cowboy boots out of the house. Yesterday, I would assume. And dropped them at the cobbler downtown so that they could be remade into the remarkable specimens above.

Which would make more sense if I had a "before" picture but I do not.

You can see inside the color that they used to be. Add to that seven years of climbing fences, walking in the surf, wrestling cows, cleaning port-o-potties and a bazillion dance hours and they were pretty pathetic looking. Scuffed, cracked, faded.

But still comfy with lots of life.

They are sporting new soles, new rubber heels (less noise when in the grocery store), a beautiful conditioning job and that lovely new color.

I love my boots.

Even more than I used to.

Such a sweetheart.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wed, 14 May 2008 17:01:19 GMT

I have 16 days left before my big move. I have packed and shipped 10 boxes. I have liquidated a monster pile of crap. I have scrubbed the walls. I have filled many cracks and tack holes.

And I just don't want to do anything today.

But I will. I'll pack the last boxes. I'll do some laundry.

But to delay the actual beginning of the days work, let us upload random photos to zee blog.

Mother's Day.........................

Was awesome. I woke up to an empty house. Kids and hubby had disappeared. They came back with hot coffee, flowers, a balloon covered basket of goodies and two beautiful handmade cards. Then they took me to the raptor center where we saw some very neat birdies. Eagles, hawks, falcons, vultures. It was very, very cool.

Katie and I with Storm, the golden eagle. She was my favorite.

But, seeing Manwe the bald eagle during the flying demonstration was pretty cool too.

( I WANT HER JOB!!!!)

We enjoyed two, month old Harris Hawk chicks. Wobbly little buggers.

I did get to the fair that day. This is what $14 worth of mini donuts looks like.........

The weekly Dumb Plum photo...........

She goes to great lengths to get inside boxes for a snooze. I really dig the tail hole she found.

We had some fun with Dashboard Jesus at the beach.........

Katie forgot to wear her belt to the playground........

Not smart.

Rick bought me some beautiful native art to bring home. Earth, Air, Water, Fire...........

One of my favorites. The kids and I had to make a trip to the grocery store and as usual, I bought more than I could comfortably carry home. And there was a great sale on bumwipe. I will not pass up a great bumwipe deal even if it means making my poor kids carry the load through town. I have no class. No shame.

Every time I turned around to make sure they were keeping up, I burst into giggles and had to take a photo. When I was a kid, I'd have thrown myself into traffic before I would carry 24 rolls of bumwipe through downtown. Why do they put up with me?

A big, live crab and the boy who fears no clawed beast............

Another playground moment...........

Salum says Hi! With much enthusiasm!

Ahhhhhhhhh. That killed a good 20 minutes!

Off to resume packing!

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:40:02 GMT

Time for the BIG announcement. (little overdue, actually)

We're going home!!!

Yes indeed. We're headed back to Nova Scotia. Land of donairs and great pubs.

I am in possession of plane tickets which will land me and my family back on our native soil on May 29th.

Shocking, huh?

That photo of Rick was taken on our last trip to Nova Scotia before our big westward adventure. Exactly five years to the day before our plane will touch down and we'll see it again. Five years.

It wasn't the easiest decision to come to. We love Vancouver Island. We have wonderful friends here. We have had great fun. But sometimes you find yourself pulled to the place you know best. You long for the comfort of the people who share your blood, the trails you hiked as a kid, the hills you went sledding on every winter, the smells and sights that stir up old, old memories.

I left Nova Scotia with a very big chip on my shoulder. I wanted to be anywhere else. I wanted to give my kids "better" and felt a more forward-thinking, modern place would provide that. I wanted to be on my own in a place where nobody knew me and would take me for what I was, not what my generations before me were.

I have dug in my heels in both Alberta and British Columbia. But I could just never pull it together......at least not to the level I had before I left home. I never struggled like this. I never lived such that I was embarrassed to have my friends pop over for tea. At home I never lost my compassion for those less fortunate. I never really feared my neighbors.

And all of this mounted in my mind and I blurted it all to my very patient husband and next thing you know, I have a room full of boxes and one last time I will heft everything and decide if it's weight is worth shipping to my new life, thousands of kilometers away.

I am so fortunate to have friends like Dale and Lisa who not only never gave up on us but have arranged so much. Found me a beautiful home, in a beautiful part of a new town, a family doctor and a big 'ol truck to gather us all from the airport. They have made it all happen. And Aunt Debbie.....who never gave up on me either even after warning me not to go away....who has patiently kept my trinkets in storage all these years, knowing full well I'd be back for them. She knew all along.

And I'll meet my nephew for the first time. I'll dine on fiddlehead ferns. I'll stand on a beach and turn my face into the ferocity of an Atlantic snowstorm again. I'll take my kids to hidden pioneer cemeteries and historic forts. I will fear no creature in the forest. I'll collect piles of brightly colored leaves in the fall.

I will hunker in and feel comfortable.

And I can't wait.

I never felt "homesick" before but as this month drags on and on at a snail's pace, I know full well what it feels like. When I left Moncton, New Brunswick on June 1st 2003, I never thought I'd feel this way.

But I have left enough of my heart here that I know I will soon feel the pull to come back. For a visit. I am almost ashamed of how I felt about my home province when I left. But now that I have lived in other, very different places, I appreciate it so much. What I thought was "behind the times" or "failing" I have come to see as gems. Yes, I can see some of what Nova Scotia "lacks" when you hold it up to the wealthier provinces but the Land of Bluenosers has held true to some very important things. Housing is still reasonable and attainable.....being a third of the price of Alberta and British Columbia. There are still vast parts of the province where crime isn't big on the list of things a person worries about. Life is harder, but slower. We take our time so that we can always make time for what is truly important. The next big promotion at work is every bit as important as keeping a drunk bride from falling down at her wedding dance.

So homeward bound I am.

And it feels good.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 21:17:05 GMT

I wanted to go to the fair today.

Rick took the day off work.

I intended to buy 18 000 pounds of mini doughnuts, 3 or 4 kilos of cotton candy and enough greasy fries to make myself puke. I intended to let the kids on ALL the rides.....spoil 'em rotten. They went to bed EARLY to get proper rest for this major event.

And then this happened.

Snow. On Vancouver Island. In APRIL.

Hence the wine glass at 3:06 pm.

Thank goodness I live this close to the cop shop. They won't have to work very hard at finding me when I go off like an unholy demon today.

I am a woman on the edge. If I don't get out of this building today I WILL do a crime. Maybe not a violent one. Maybe just an embarrassing one. But I will do something very, very stupid.

Snow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 17:52:30 GMT

Happy Birthday!!

To the coolest, awesomest, wittiest, perkiest, most delightful 10 year old on the whole darn planet.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 01:02:40 GMT

Happy Easter!!!

When Lucas brought his Easter basket in, Plum thought we were the coolest people ever to buy her such a killer bed.

The Easter Bunny found us. I wonder if he took the super scary elevator to our floor?

The Bunny left lots of pretty eggs everywhere.

Being the odd folk that we are, we spent Easter afternoon at the beach. We had some bread that had just reached the point of no return so we brought it along as a treat for the seagulls. All 7 million of them. It got scary.

We decided.....for the first time in the 3 years we have been hanging out on this beach.....to take the long hike around the point. We found all the groovy secret hidey spots.

This is me on the hunt for a mysterious creature. I spied a weird little pile of "bright green worms" in the sand. When I touched them, they retracted. So I HAD to know what was living in the sand. It put up a good fight.

But I won. Not a great picture, but it was a meaty little thing with a big bulb on it's bottom end. No clue yet what it was. But, damn, could it spit!!

It made for a good science lesson.

I have pretty kids. Even when they're dirty.

Rick found a great Pope Speech spot.

He also found a big oyster. That attacked him and cut his finger. You can't really see the blood, but trust me, it's there. And all over his jeans too.

So he got out a knife and killed the offender.

Just after the oyster death we took note of the squall blowing in us. Choppy water, driving rain, howling wind. And our car was waaaaaaay back by that other point in the distance.

Naturally.

We survived the storm. We came home and dined on a fine Easter dinner.....burritos. I'm killing the end of the day with a few Guinness while trying......REALLY trying.....to tolerate Katie's new Hannah Montana CD.

A gorgeous day. I wish you could have been here!